The Overall outrage of bad jokes

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What ?? Alcohol ban in my Kerala ! This is zimbly terrible. Today I will take an otto, go to the temble and ask God why he did thiz in hiz own kentry?? I ask all my ungles and aunthies to take all their meney and shift to Gelf and Thhubai immediately !
Enough of Sardar jokes……Mallu jokes are in town!!!!!!!!!!

1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
IngumDax.

2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen.

8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.

11) Where does he pray?
In a Temble, Charch and a Maask.

12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.

14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'.

16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where ".

17) Why aren't Mallus included in hockey and football teams?
Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shop.

Now pass it on to 5 Mallus to get a free sample of kokanet oil.
Pass it on 10 Mallus to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs....😋😛😙

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Steve Jobs is now working with God to create an

"i-wife"

which will have a Slim design, beauty with brains, obedient, less demanding, less of materialistic cravings, willingness to do household chores, less irritating and most important, comes with a MUTE button. 😷

Bookings full till 2080.
Till then kindly bear with ur own versions...!!

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 Punjabi Bacche ki Maa bacche se:-"Tum poore
saal nahi padhte aur fir Exams aate hi kitabo mein lag jate ho. Aisa kyon karte ho ?"

Baccha:- "Kyonki lehro k sath chalne ka anand to sabhi ko pasand hai..Lekin, toofano mein kashti nikaalne ka maza hi kuch aur hai.."

😈Maa:- "Etthe aa kutteya.... Tainu mai dasan....aaya vadda TITANIC da Driver...."

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 Bill Gates has decided not to invest further on computers after receiving a letter📃 from Mr. Banta.

To,
Bill Gates,
Microsoft,
U.S.A.

From: Banta

Date: 1 April 2014

Subject: Problems with my new computer...💻

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home & we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button.
We request you to check this.😳

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system?
I find only 're-cycle',
but I own a scooter.🚲😒

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working.
My wife lost the door key & we tried a lot to trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace.
Please rectify this problem.🚪🔑

4. My child learned😅 'Microsoft word' & now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence',
so when you will provide that?👶😮

5. I bought computer,
CPU, mouse & keyboard,but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when will you provide me the remaining items?😬

6. It is surprising that windows says 'My Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.😶

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home.🏡

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'.
When you will provide 'My Past Documents'? 🔫

9. You provide 'My Network Places'.
For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'.
B
Last one Mr. Bill Gates

P.S: "Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS ?"🔨💉😲

Regards,

Banta ..🔨😱😹

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Apple iPhone6 in India
Approx Rs.65k.

Other option
Bangkok return ticket: 21k
Stay:10k
Massage:3K
Shopping: 14k
Savings: 17K
Come back to India and buy any Xiaomi mi3, MOTO G, Asus Zenfone 5, Micromax Nitro, Sony C, Nokia 720,

You still have 4k left for 2 bottles of Jack Daniels at Mumbai Duty Free 



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Nothing can make a husband sleep quicker than these few words
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"i want to talk to you"


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Todays question

100 people standing in a circle in an order 1 to 100.
No.1 has a sword. He kills next person (i.e. no. 2) and gives sword to next to next (i.e no.3). All person does the same until only 1 survives. Which number survives at the last?

Solve the prob.....very inresting ...

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THINK – The construct of a life is not out of gifts received from gift shops, but from the bonds developed and sustained with people, who gave them

LAUGH – The perfect office computer has been invented, finally!.......................................When it makes a mistake, it blames another computer……………………..

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एक आदमी मर गया. जब उसे महसूस हुआ तो उसने देखा कि भगवान उसके पास आ रहे हैं और उनके हाथ में एक सूट केस है.

भगवान ने कहा --पुत्र चलो अब समय हो गया.

आश्चर्यचकित होकर आदमी ने जबाव दिया -- अभी इतनी जल्दी? अभी तो मुझे बहुत काम करने हैं. मैं क्षमा चाहता हूँ किन्तु अभी चलने का समय नहीं है. आपके इस सूट केस में क्या है?

भगवान ने कहा -- तुम्हारा सामान.

मेरा सामान? आपका मतलब है कि मेरी वस्तुएं, मेरे कपडे, मेरा धन?

भगवान ने प्रत्युत्तर में कहा -- ये वस्तुएं तुम्हारी नहीं हैं. ये तो पृथ्वी से सम्बंधित हैं.

आदमी ने पूछा -- मेरी यादें?

भगवान ने जबाव दिया -- वे तो कभी भी तुम्हारी नहीं थीं. वे तो समय की थीं.

फिर तो ये मेरी बुद्धिमत्ता होंगी?

भगवान ने फिर कहा -- वह तो तुम्हारी कभी भी नहीं थीं. वे तो परिस्थिति जन्य थीं.

तो ये मेरा परिवार और मित्र हैं?

भगवान ने जबाव दिया -- क्षमा करो वे तो कभी भी तुम्हारे नहीं थे. वे तो राह में मिलने वाले पथिक थे.

फिर तो निश्चित ही यह मेरा शरीर होगा?

भगवान ने मुस्कुरा कर कहा -- वह तो कभी भी तुम्हारा नहीं हो सकता क्योंकि वह तो राख है.

तो क्या यह मेरी आत्मा है?

नहीं वह तो मेरी है --- भगवान ने कहा.

भयभीत होकर आदमी ने भगवान के हाथ से सूट केस ले लिया और उसे खोल दिया यह देखने के लिए कि सूट केस में क्या है. वह सूट केस खाली था.

आदमी की आँखों में आंसू आ गए और उसने कहा -- मेरे पास कभी भी कुछ नहीं था.

भगवान ने जबाव दिया -- यही सत्य है. प्रत्येक क्षण जो तुमने जिया, वही तुम्हारा था. जिंदगी क्षणिक है और वे ही क्षण तुम्हारे हैं.

इस कारण जो भी समय आपके पास है, उसे भरपूर जियें. आज में जियें. अपनी जिंदगी जिए.

खुश होना कभी न भूलें, यही एक बात महत्त्व रखती है.

भौतिक वस्तुएं और जिस भी चीज के लिए आप यहाँ लड़ते हैं, मेहनत करते हैं...आप यहाँ से कुछ भी नहीं ले जा सकते हैं.

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>>कुछ लोग जब रात को अचानक फोन का बैलेंस ख़त्म होजाता है इतना परेशान हो जाते हैं माने जैसे सुबह तक वो इन्सान जिंदा ही नहीं रहेगा जिससे बात करनी थी।

>> कुछ लोग जब फ़ोन की बैटरी 1-2% हो तो चार्जर की तरफ ऐसे भागते है जैसे उससे केह रहे हो "तुझे कुछ नहीं होगा भाई ! आँखे बंद मत करना मैं हूँ न ! सब ठीक हो जायेगा।

>>कुछ लोग अपने फोन में ऐसे पैटर्न लॉक लगाते हैं जैसे आई एस आई की सारी गुप्त फाइलें उनके फ़ोन में ही पड़ी हो।

>>कुछ लोग जब आपसे बात कर रहे होते हैं तो बार बार अपने फ़ोन को जेब से निकालते हैं, लॉक खोलते हैं और वापस लॉक कर देते हैं...वास्तव में वे कुछ देखते नहीं हैं, बस ये जताते हैं कि वो जाना चाहते हैं।

>>गलती से फ़ोन किसी दुसरे दोस्त के
यहाँ छुट जाए तो ऐसा महसूस होता हैं जैसे अपनी भोली- भाली गर्लफ्रेंड को शक्ति कपूर के पास छोड़ आये हो।

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Todays question

100 people standing in a circle in an order 1 to 100.
No.1 has a sword. He kills next person (i.e. no. 2) and gives sword to next to next (i.e no.3). All person does the same until only 1 survives. Which number survives at the last?

Solve the prob.....very inresting ...

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Santa - Sir, meri patni mere saath ghumne jaana chahti hai. chhutti chahiye.

Boss - Nahi milegi..

Santa - Shukriya sir, jaanta tha musibat ke waqt aap hi kaam aayenge !!!


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All wives are going to like this

Husband apni saas se baat karta hai: apki beti mein to hazaron kamiyan hain.
Saas: Haan beta, isi vajah se to use achcha ladka nahi mila.

Husband shocks Saasumaa rocks..
Jaldi forward karo--- naya aya hai.......

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Alia bhatt writing medical entrance exam... gives definitions as follows :

*Antibody : Against everybody
*Artery : Study of fine paintings
*Genes : Blue denims
*Labour pain : Hurt at work
*Liposuction : French kiss
*Microbes : Small dressing gowns
*Cardiology : Advanced study of playing cards
*Cat scan : Searching lost cat
*Coma : Punctuation mark
*Bacteria : Back door to cafeteria.

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Inspirational SMS Diary - A blind man once asked a wise man: can there be anything worse than losing your eye sight? The wise man replied: yes.. Losing your vision.

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Dus din ke utsav ke baad jab Ganpati bappa wapas ghar pahuche to maa Parvati ne pucha , Kaisi rahi tumhari prithvi lok ki visit?
Ganesh ji bole, "Tumne mari entry aur dil main baji ghante ya. ...
Ma Parvati , ye kya bol rahe ho ,Ganesh ji bole "char bottle vodka , kaam mera roz ka ....
Kya kiya tumne 10 din?
"Lungi dance lungi dance ..."
Kartikeya ne kaha ye kya bol rahe ho ?
Ganesh ji, 12 mahine main 12 tarike se tuzko pyar sikhaunga main....
Shankarji bole, zamana kitna kharab ho gaya hai, bachcho ko aajkal kahi akele bhejna yane musibat ko invite karne jaisa hai ....

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Why Arranged Marriages Has Less Divorces ?

Jo Apni Marzi Se Shaadi nahi Kar Paaye

Woh Divorce Kya Lenge..!!!

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एक दिन चित्रगुप्त ने ब्रह्माजी से
प्रार्थना की – "प्रभु, ये 'करवा चौथ के व्रत से सात जनम तक एक ही पति' मिलने वाली योजना बंद कर दी जाए !"

ब्रह्माजी – "क्यों ?"

चित्रगुप्त – "प्रभु, मैनेज करना कठिन
होता जा रहा है … औरत सातों जनम
वही पति मांगती हैं लेकिन पुरुष हर बार
दूसरी औरत मांगता है … बहुत दिक्कत हो रही है समझाने में !"

ब्रह्माजी – "लेकिन यह स्कीम आदिकाल से चली आ रही है इसे बंद नहीं किया जा सकता !"

तभी नारद मुनि आ गए. उन्होंने सुझाव
दिया कि पृथ्वी पर shree narendra modi नाम के एक महान विचारक रहते हैं. उनसे जाकर सलाह ली जाये.

चित्रगुप्त shree narendra modi ke पास गए.
narendra modi
ने एक पल में समस्या का समाधान कर दिया – "जो भी औरत सातों जनम वही पति डिमांड करे … उसे दे दो. लेकिन शर्त ये लगा दो कि यदि पति वही चाहिए तो "सास" भी वही मिलेगी !!!"

" डिमांड बंद .."

Patniya shoked
Modi rok's

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I just found these golden words by the great wall of Indian cricket team Rahul Dravid.

Rahul Dravid on Patience -

"When I'm requested to speak to youngsters I like talking about this phase of my life and liken it to fascinating plant: The Chinese Bamboo. You can take a Chinese bamboo seed and plant it in the ground, water and nurture the seed for an entire year & not even see a single sprout. Infact, you'll not see a sprout for 5 years. But suddenly, a tiny shoot will spring from the ground. And over the next 6 weeks, the plant can grow as tall as 90 feet. It can grow as fast as 39 inches every 24 hours. You can literally watch the plant grow.

What was the plant doing during these 5 years, seemingly dormant period, it was growing its roots. For 5 full years it was preparing itself for rapid, full growth. Without this root structure, the plant simply couldn't support itself for its future growth. Some would say the plant grew 90 feet in 6 weeks, I would say it grew 90 feet in 5 years & 6 weeks."

So keep watering and nurturing yourself. One day you will sprout and may be grow as fast as a Chinese Bamboo tree. No one becomes a mid night success, there are years of labor and pain behind that.

"GOD's delays are not GOD's denials."

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Rahul Gandhi: "There is no peace in Gujarat. I have seen hundreads of people fighting with small laathis."

Modi: "dafod, Ene 'DANDIYA' kehvay."

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A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost. She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.

Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude.

Lady: You must be an engineer.

Man: How do you know?

Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost.

Engineer: You must be in Top Management.
Lady: Ya. How do you know?

Engineer: You don't know where you are or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!😀

A must read for all working professionals